I reduced worktime to 6 hours a day, I'm finally able to sleep enough, I finished my first novel-trilogy, my girlfriend became a talented housewife and caught the permission to study at my hometowns university. My car has gotten new tires (matte-black, very nice, very cool, much awesome ;|)), I'm visiting Conventions again and met awesome people. In a few days I'll visit Edinburgh with my parents, my Dad is almost healthy again. My life is so perfect it hurts.
But the price for it is high. I'm gettin from day to day more unhappy with my job, I feel so numb in there. It's just not my world, bureaucracy, files, customers, service. More and more I hate humans, so much that I sometimes can't stand them round me, not even friends or family. I hate how they need me, how they abuse me to be strong for them cause they're weak nobodies. They're so dumb that I feel as if I need to breath for them cause that would be too much for their brain-capacity.
But I can't leave them, I'll be tied to them forever. Would I be able to graduate in our highest graduation? I'd need to learn EVERYTHING I learned the 12 years of my school-time again - inclusive MATHS. I'm not sure if I would really pass that maths-exam - everything would be a waste of time and energy (because I would continue working part-time at the time). Everything would be useless. And even if I pass - who'd pay the bills when I quit that job and study archeology? Would my relationship surive, if I'd be away for months, digging holes in the mud somewhere in the turkey? And is this then REALLY the job I'm able to do for the rest of my life or will I get depression after ten years with it like in my nowadays job? I'm honest - I'm not sure. This whole topic is far too unsure (especially economically) to dare the step of "YES! I'M DOIN THAT NOW!".
Today my chief caught me with my cellphone at my desk (don't worry, she's a cool chief, nothing except a McGonagall-glance happened). Some day I'll yell at her. Give me work. Give me an adventure. Give me sth I can do, that doesn't make me feel useless. Give me responsibility, challenge me, give me sth I can be proud of! Maybe I'll apply for the further education in my job and try to become a teacher/trainer in my work then, because I love the times I can show our apprentices how my job works more then anything else.
Oh and there's another thing you should know: I broke up with my transition. I don't need a therapist because I hate talking, especially when the topic is myself. And I don't want to - how would Moriarty say it? - "burn the heart" out of my parents. And my siblings (though I'm sure they'd be absolutely cool with it). I'll pay the breast-operation on my own, I won't take hormones cause my body is already producing testosterone now and I feel satisfied with that and that "curves" (aka fat)... well. A fat girl will transform into a fat guy, easy, is it? So I just need to loose weight. If necessary with the friendly help of a czech beauty-doctor. Even with the full transition I'd never be a REAL man. I'd never be a Thor, not even a spiderman. The best I could become is the love-child of Thorin and Bombur. Well, hello to my world everybody. To get rid of the bad feeling by being called "she" or "her" or "Mrs." - well. I work on it. I can't force the humans round me to use the right words when I don't look and sound like that. To those who are using the right words already - thank you. It really means sth to me, I can't tell how much. But it feels a bit like eating a big slice of chocolate cake.
So... and so this blog-entry grew from a "short" update to a novel. Excuse me everybody X|D have a great time, try to stay true, realistic and awesome!
|unedited pic is unedited|