Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Die Kummertaucher

Ich habe sie schon immer gehasst. Und verachtet. Menschen, die ihrem Kummer, ihren Problemen und ihrem Schmerz freien Lauf lassen, alles wie Kotze aus ihnen herausquillt und die darin ersticken, sich gar nicht mehr daraus befreien können, haltlos und ohne zu kämpfen darin untergehen.

Ich möchte niemals so sein und wenn ich es manchmal doch bin, weil man mich dazu zwingt, verachte ich mich genau so wie eben jene Menschen. Das hat nichts mit dem Willen, Stark sein zu tun oder damit, dass ich gefühllos bin. Das hat etwas mit Respekt zu tun, Respekt dem Leben gegenüber. Respekt den Toten gegenüber, die über solche "Probleme" nur lachen würden.

Je länger ich mich mit einem Problem befasse, je mehr ich darüber nachdenke, je mehr ich darüber sprechen muss, desto größer wird es für mich. Es wächst zu einem Berg, der sich schwer und übermächtig nachts auf meine Brust setzt, der meine Mundwinkel wie mit Bleigewichten beschwert nach unten zieht. Dabei sollte man jeden Tag, jede Sekunde genießen. Kurz über Lösungen nachzudenken ist okay. Aber über etwas nachzudenken, was man nicht ändern kann ist Zeitverschwendung. Oder kannst du mir sagen, ob du morgen noch da sein wirst?

Ich verdränge nicht, nein, das ist das falsche Wort. Dinge, die sich nicht ändern lassen, akzeptiere ich einfach. Ich sperre sie weg, tief in mir drin und dort drin schrumpfen sie und werden immer bedeutungsloser, bis sie irgendwann vollkommen verschwunden sind.

Bestimmt hast auch du eine Situation in deinem Leben, die dir klar gemacht hat, wie schnell es vorbei sein kann. Jeder hat so einen Moment. Diese Erinnerung ist bei mir nicht weggesperrt. Ich lebe jeden Tag danach. Ich will mein Leben nicht mit Trauer und hängenden Mundwinkeln beenden. Ich will dabei lächeln können und sagen können: "Ja - ich hatte ein schönes Leben!" - selbst wenn es morgen schon vorbei sein sollte. Ich will dem Tod meinen nackten Arsch ins Gesicht stecken und sagen "Leck mich!", ich will Gott oder wem auch immer eine Liste auf den Tisch knallen mit "Das habe ich bereits gemacht/geschafft in meinem Leben".

Und das ist das Geheimnis des Lebens: ICH WILL.

Nicht ich würde oder ich möchte. Können würden viele, wenn sie es möchten. Nur mögen wollen sie nicht.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

Xtreme Shopping!

So today I was finally shopping again after a really long time. When I'm with my girl I'm always not that able to shop the way I want cause what I like she regards as ugly (so I'm hanging it back) and when I finally found a store where I could buy EVERYTHING she's already tired of shopping. So today I went from 13:30 to 18 o'clock EXTREME SHOPPING! Alone and just on my own and relaxed and stuff - sooooooo great, I missed it SO hard! Going in EVERY shop and searching them through, from front to back, EVERY single clothing-piece, all relaxed and without stress or having to look after someone. I needed it, somehow as "reward" for my hard work and savings over the last months. So this is what I've bought:
new slippers for at home - 4,95€
new High Heels for work - 12,45€
new boots for #Gyaruo-Styling - 11€
new boots for Gyaruo, they'll be pimped - 11,98€
glasses - 9,95€
new blazer for work - 29,95€
soft trousers to bum around at home - 4,95€
trousers for work and esp. for the #Prom of my girl - 22,95€
trousers for work and maybe for Prom - 29,95€
So I was really successfull - 9 pieces for just 138,13€! But not just that makes me happy, also the fact that I've lost so much weight that I've got now 3 sizes down than before. I'm not a fatty anymore, fuck yes! X|D
Oh and I found this picture on my smartphone, it's from the #Derniere of the play my girlfriend acted in which I visited two weeks ago:
Actually this all is not of interest at all but maybe you regard it as good enough to take your boredom away ;|). Have a nice weekend!

Saturday, February 8, 2014

A wonderful day in february

Today I visited my best friend Jenny and we hat a loooot of fun together! This was my outfit:
It was that warm I was able to wear my leather-jacket ♥. Oh and this was my styling:
Played around with #gyaruo-kei a bit X|D. We went first to an amazing shop in Munich which is called "Item Shop" and HOLY GOD THERE WERE SO MANY THINGS I COULD BUY IN IT!!! THOUSANDS of merchandise from #LordOfTheTings and #GameOfThrones, #Zelda, #MarvelComics, #AssassinsCreed, #HarryPotter, #StarWars and SO MUCH more! My heart jumped because of happyness and I wasn't able to stop staring at this wonderful things and running with a dumb smile around and I was confused cause I wanted to buy it ALL! I'm afraid I'm a Geek X|D. I couldn't help and bought this SUPERAWESOME cushion in shape of a shield with the wappon of the Stark-family - it'll be placed in my medieval dining-room and will be just... AWESOME ohgodIcan'tbelieveIspentsomuchmoneyforacushion! X|D
After I unbinding myself from the shop (in fact: I should have bought the Lanister-cushion too Q__Q) we were hungry and went to a restaurant called "Kr@ftwerk". There were SO MUCH gay guys in it, it was an amazing joy! I had a Texas Burger which was very BIG and superyummy! We talked a lot in there and I'm glad Jenny and I still get along that well and have the same opinions though we've both changed (especially me) over the last two years. We're not that "Anime-kids" running on conventions anymore. We're now adults but in the head still not grown up - that's why I love to spent time with her and I want to do that from now on again more often! I've missed her very strong and I'm still superhappy about this wonderful day ♥.

At home I noticed that my ordered stuff arrived and so I made a photo for you to see what I've got today:
The awesome cushion and the 3 extended versions from Lord of the Rings!
The cushion from behind and the ring and bracelet Jenny made for me - I love them! ♥
I had desire to style myself new (#gyaruo / #visualkei) and make two other stylings out of my actual. Here they are:
Styling one with a braided bang
close-up of the braiding
styling from the side
Styling two with hidden side-bang
Well that was my day and I'm still very glad and happy. Hope you like my styles/work, stay tuned!

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Luck in love - bad luck with my car?

God. This day.

I woke up early, drove to work and after I parked my car there was this almost unhearable "ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffft". I thought "that'll sure be the construction site near your work-building!" and left my car. I thought "when it's my car I'll notice in the evening when I want to drive home."

Then - work. First: Mr. so-handsome-consulting-doctor! If I wouldn't have my gf I would fall for him. He's born on my birthday and gosh - those hands. I like long fingers and masculine hands very much on men. We had 30 Minutes of wonderful medical chat about 3 psychological ill sick-pay-receivers.

But THEN! Total state of emergency - customers and a loooot more customers so that I could take my lunch-break only very late.

Then my team-leader and my next higher chief wanted to see ALL of my work. I work as a sick-pay-manager and atm there are 51 ppl ill, so it was a loooong time till my chiefs saw all the documents from them all. But - surprisingly - in the end my team-leader smiled very happy and said "Well - hasn't she so much improved in this short time?" and my sick-pay-chief smiled too and nod. That made me very glad.

I worked then till 06:30 p.m., walked out, got into my car, started the motor, drove a few meters and stopped. It speeded up VERY slowly. I walked around my car and my suspicion was confirmed:
So I stood there in my high-heels on a EMPTY, DARK parking place. I know how to change wheels. So I opened my luggage space and took everything I need - emergency wheel, wheel-changing-tools, jack. And then it started: I had NO FUCKING PLAN how my emergency-jack works. So I had to call my grandpa to explain.

I'm home now, I've belly ache + aching, cold feet of doom and I just want to slay down every construction worker in this FUCKING GODDAMN construction site.

I had no free time/time for me/time on my own this day, I'm tired and my nerves are that much on their end that I just want to cry but like always can't.

FUCK THIS DAY. JUST FUCK IT. BURN IT IN THE DEPTHS OF HELL! And the construction workers with it!