Do you know that feeling, when you look through pictures and think "oh yes, this is SO cool, I just have to get like them and then I'll be SO cool, too"? And then. It happens that you buy a Civarize Jacket. In a size, which would fit you in germany even with three Schnitzel and one Pils in your stomach. And it arrives and - you can wear it, oh yes. But you can't close it and you can't move your arms and you feel betrayed, as if you've bought snowtrousers and they sent you Hotpants.
new Jacket without me
And with me:I really think, it looks better without me. It don't fits me at all, I feel like a whale in it. Every inch of fat, which is just me and helps me getting through the hard bavarian winter, looks here like the colossus-abortion of Vicky Pollard. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with my body. I'm not the thinnest but I know that I'll never reach a model-body, no matter how hard I try (apart from that, I've not the time to try harder and to be honest life is too cruel and short to starve).
One other point is, that I don't feel very comfortable as Gyaruo. I'm unsure about which hairstyles fit me and can't just get going and look where it leads like in Visual Kei. It HAS to be manly, it HAS to be some sort of "tidy" and it's not allowed to look creepy/dark or really strong coloured. I'm always punching my borders when styling my hair for Gyaruo and that's not fun. And it's not fun to have always the same hairstyle on every Gyaruo-Pic.
The same applies for the make-up. I don't like myself without. It's no difference if I'm just very less rouged or without anything. The uglyness-grade is the same. My makeup is my mask since I'm able to hold a mascara. I feel helpless and naked without. I've got nowhere to hide, no place to draw confidence out. I've got no place to give my face personality. MY personality, my personal touch, my business card. My face as Gyaruo is just circle-lensed eyes and nosestripe - that's what I feel. There's nothing I watch in the mirror and think "oh well, that went good, you look very handsome today!". My face just feels like a white wall, I feel invisible and that's what annoys me the most.
And the overkill-point is, that I just can't dance Parapara. I tried "Night of Fire" - but I've got no chance. I can do all the arm-stuff. But I have to stand on one place or move in my own rythm, because the rythm of the original... just IS NO RYTHM (or I'm deaf). I look so silly, like a one-legged elephant on a string. I tried to learn Gyaruo-Parapara but... I just... I can't even describe, what happened. Fact is, that I closed the video again and stared head-shaking on my video-file. For a long time. And then I sighed, a long and depressed one. The ones you do, when you loused your final math-test after you wrote bad grades all the years since you've got math. I'm no man for such stuff. I can wield a sword, I can drive fast cars, I'm an acceptable boxer, I can carry and lift all the suitcases of my girlfriend no matter if her half wardrobe incl. Laptop is in. But I can NOT dance.
That is all. I'll stay Gyaruo, but my heart will always belong to Visual Kei. I won't ever buy Gyaruo-brand again, I won't try to dance. That's just not me and I hope everybody will accept this, especially my Ladies from Plutonium.
And to close the entry with sth heart-warming now - a picture for my cutest Cutiecute Kyo:
(Bae's away for 12 days)